Finding a Couples Therapist Is Hard

The stress and overwhelm of having a kid has led to more frequent, and harder to resolve, conflicts with your partner. You both have decided that therapy would help you work better as a team and keep your loving relationship strong — strong enough to endure the hardest parts of parenthood. But now where do you begin? How do you find the right one?

Some people are lucky and have a network of friends who can vouch for great therapists. But having friends who are open enough to talk about therapy, and whose therapists are also a good fit for you, is rare.

Your friend group didn't work, so you start like most people do by searching online. Google and ChatGPT suggest a few therapists in your area. You check Yelp and see a wide range of people and reviews. You find huge directories filled with therapist names and additional info you don't understand. You check in with your insurance, but you find that couples and family therapy isn't covered.

Meantime you read an overwhelming number of acronyms and frameworks. CBT, EFT, AEDP, and Gottman. Attachment theory, somatic and experiential modalities, you name it.

You now have a list of 50 names and a dozen terms. And somehow, you're no closer to finding a therapist. So you decide to YOLO it and just pick a few names to get consultation calls with. But they're only 15-minutes long. You hear the same terms again, and you understand them a little better, but you don't really understand them. It all sounds good in theory. One therapist specializes in emotional healing and human connection. That certainly sounds appealing… maybe. If it works.

Now the search turns into another thing you and your partner must agree on, which has been harder lately. Maybe they felt the therapists liked you more than them. They did talk more about your feelings after all. They're worried that they'll show up and be blamed, when deep down they're desperate to feel safe and heard.

At this juncture you're both fatigued. After a couple weeks you're still no closer to getting the help you need. From here you take one of three common approaches.

Three paths parents often take

01The longer, harder road

You run a few more consultations and whittle down two or three therapists that you trial for a few sessions each. You find the person you're most agreeable to and commit.

But this takes weeks and often around a thousand dollars. It also requires you and your partner to have enough bandwidth to become mini-experts in therapy. And without understanding how to properly evaluate a therapist, you still risk spending too much time with someone who doesn't ultimately help.

02Roll the dice

You pick the top person you enjoyed during the consultation calls and commit. Secretly your partner may not be bought in, but they wanted to stop arguing and move on. The judgement is mostly based on vibes, and you're still unsure whether this therapist will help. Some people do get lucky. But you may spend thousands of dollars and months of your time rehashing the same conflict, finally stop seeing the therapist, and end up deflated. And that sort of bad experience can make it even harder to be open to therapy again down the line.

03Life happens

The process has been overwhelming. Your baby won't stop crying and your boss just sent an email about the latest reorganization of your team. Feeling no closer to finding a good therapist, you hold off. Every time you try again to find a therapist, you run into the same roadblocks. And it's only until something extreme happens that you finally prioritize therapy. But by then, your relationship may be on life support.

The good news is that the right therapist can make a real difference. A more durable relationship and, more importantly, a healthier home environment for their kids.

But finding that right therapist still remains a structural problem. You shouldn't have to add another monumental burden as you're scrambling to keep your child alive and well.